This Drifting Excrement Was Far Too Meaningful! It's the TV Disappointments of the Past Year.
Looking back, we reflect on the TV offerings of the recent year, a handful of shows stand out not for their brilliance, but for their spectacular failures. From cringe-inducing spin-offs to confusingly bad docuseries, here are the productions that had us utterly bewildered or just reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
How to start with this love/hate spin-off? Burdened with dreadful scripts, cringe-inducing character development (we demand better for Miranda!), and a paltry 71 seconds of fan-favourite Samantha, the show fought to find its footing. Briefly, as the third season began, it seemed as if it had at last found its groove. Then came an installment all about Seema’s natural deodorant. No wonder the showrunner declared this would be the last series. It ended on a low point; the lingering shot of Miranda’s toilet full of poo was simply too symbolic. Still, fans undeniably found joy picking apart every single “what on earth?” moment. And as Carrie – a single woman once more – twirled around her palatial townhouse to Barry White, who didn’t release a little sob?
The Kim Kardashian Drama
‘Is Kim Kardashian an actress? Of course she can’t.’
But that was practically the smallest of this drama's issues. The recipient of a exceedingly uncommon zero star assessment, it was difficult to know where to start listing the problems. The laughably wooden dialogue? The tedious veneration of affluence and materialism? The seemingly deliberate parade of cliches? Performances so bad they felt almost malicious? Let’s just say “all of the above” and never speak of this series again. However, a new season has been commissioned, so we’re likely going to have to.
The Charlie Sheen Documentary
Considering the legal troubles, domestic violence allegations and fatherly failures, it’s fair to say Charlie Sheen has been a troubled figure. Not that you’d really have known it from this multi-part documentary which chuckled along at Sheen’s various bouts of self-destructive excess while struggling to tell us anything we weren't already aware of. Rather, it felt as if this loose cannon was being pandered to, so any pity this show might induce should be reserved for the people who have had to endure close contact with this charismatic but flippant egotist.
The Supercomputer Drama
Of course we knew it was ridiculous from the outset: a drama about a AI known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either save the world – or destroy all of humanity. We stuck with it out of sheer admiration for its stars … but by the end, it felt like even they had stopped bothering. One scarcely cared when his character died, and the other ultimately slicing Charlie with an axe … in super slow-motion. That's what you call giving up the ghost.
The Gangster Drama
Dodgy characters meeting in empty boxing gyms? The Prodigy’s Firestarter blaring in club scenes? The late 90s called and wants its gangland drama back.
In truth, that is unfair on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many seem a bit dated now, but at least they didn’t suffer the ignominy of having to indulge unconvincing dialects. But there were plenty of other issues. Primarily that it was just profoundly boring; a conflict over narcotics territory between various cockney rogues which seemed rather simplistic.
The Meghan Markle Series
Considering the extent to which she grinds the gears of certain performatively angry commentators, it’s temptingly tempting to admire the Duchess of Sussex’s televised ventures into twee homemaking as intentional provocations. But then you view them and are forced to concede that actually, they may have a point. It’s like watching a lifestyle magazine animated; a meme for evening drinks with ideas of grandeur; a parade of snoozing dogs, buzzing beehives, Hallmark sayings and pointless crafting “hacks” you’ll not remember instantly. All supported by immense, largely unearned wealth. Ugh.
The Beckham Documentary
There are clearly fascinating things to be discussed about both Victoria Beckham and her struggles with vocation, self-image, self-worth. But for some reason, this documentary series chose not to say them. Instead, the viewing was akin to consuming a marketing catalogue. She clearly has every right to bridle at what she describes as her “stern” image. But unfortunately, she failed to do herself any favours with this cagey letdown of a series.
The Game Show
It had the potential to be the next big hit – except even camper, with a glamorous star playing dead and a well-known personality overseeing her inheritance. What more could you want? As players battled it out, there was plenty of betrayal and squabbling. But the rules quickly became bewildering: it’s still too confusing to explain what exactly was happening. Even more disappointingly, we only saw brief appearances of the star via filmed videos. The series ended up smelling of a production that was trying way too hard to live up to something way beyond it.
The Lena Dunham Romcom
How does one follow a show that captured a generation? The expectation was immense for this glitzy romcom about Jessica, a hopeful New Yorker who arrives in London with a shattered romance. The lead actress took her biggest role by the horns and was a delight to watch, reveling in Jane Austen levels of romantic ideals. But it was all very glossy and, paradoxically, was insufficient. Plus, the abundance of famous cameos involved felt uncomfortable.
Mitchell & Webb Are Not Helping
Not even good enough to be ‘patchy’.
Given the smart recruitment of gifted emerging comics, expectations were high. But sadly, most of it didn’t land. A recurring sketch was a one-note joke stretched to a dry pulp but recurring in every episode. One star seemed too willing to slip into a well-known ranting mode. The writing room sketches, meanwhile, simply inspired the idea that they should probably have stayed in there a bit longer.
The Knox Dramatisation
This retelling of the story of Amanda Knox was executive produced by Amanda Knox and pretty much solely presented the viewpoint of Amanda Knox. So, while there undoubtedly is an interesting drama to be made about the tragic 2007 murder, this isn’t it. The subject matter needed to be treated sensitively. Instead, the series laboured awkwardly to find the right tone, lurching from strangely jaunty, somewhat mannered farce to ultimately, real-life horror. Complex? Arguably. A total mess? Very much so.
The Maths Genius Thriller
We love the star … but did we believe him playing the greatest maths genius in history, a man so smart he’s on the brink of a discovery that could ruin society? No! This globe-trotting thriller about secret services spying on – and killing off – intellectuals honestly got more absurd by the second. Silliness-by-numbers.
1000 Men and Me: The Bonnie Blue Story
This hagiography followed the content creator notorious for explicit exploits as she prepared for her biggest challenge yet. What on earth would motivate her? What we craved was far greater interrogation of her true psyche, plus those of the men in the queue. They could at least have spoken to the now-famous mum who appeared to haul her son away from the queue. What we got was horrific shots and zero critical analysis of her infamy whatsoever. And to think, the filmmaker has a teenage daughter too.
